Happy Holidays campers!!
As we motor on towards the final year of the Earth’s existence, we thought we’d bring you a hidden gem that until now has not been released to the general public. Posted here, for the first time, is an interview with Terry the Turkey. Terry was a local Turkey from the woods of Eastern Massachusetts…circa 1650…and when Channel 66′s on the scene reporter, this man:
was sent back in time to get the scoop on the original Thanksgiving festivities, Terry sat down with him for a very honest and frank conversation about America’s favorite Holiday.
Colonel CC12: Terry, I appreciate you taking the time to sit down with me and talk Turkey.
Terry: Dude, we’re speaking English. You don’t speak Turkey. Idiot. And what’s with that helmet? Where’s your head dress?
CC12: The Network gave this to me. Anyhow, do you think it’s fair that once a year you become the target for genocide?
Terry: Absolutely not. Though lets be honest here, your use of the word “genocide” is a bit dramatic don’t you think? Hell if I didn’t know better I’d assume you were one of those opportunistic blowhard reporters from the distant future. Anyways, Thanksgiving is a steaming pile of horseshit. 15 years ago my day consisted of rolling the underbrush looking for bitches and showing off my girth. Occasionally some fucking Indian would come whooping out of the woods with paint on his face all hopped up on mushrooms and charge at me, but those guys were such goons I’d just bark at em like a dog, real loud like this, “WOOF WOOF” and they’d slam on the brakes, freak the fuck out, and turn tail and run. Fucking stoners. THEN these white dudes suddenly show up. They start cutting down the whole god damned forest and building these villages and they’re always praying and dressing like assholes…really lame shit ya know? But all of a sudden, I’m rolling down Cranberry Bush Blvd. with my cousin Tito, and BLAM!! Tito goes flying backwards about 5 feet and his plumage is all over the place and smoking. So I’m like, “SHIT!!” And I get on my horse and haul ass out of there right? I’ mean I loved Tito, but that wasn’t no arrow, that was a fucking cannon right?? So I get back to my pad and jump on Facebook and I’m like, “YO!! Listen up!! The white dudes got a fucking cannon that’ll fuck you up!! So, If you’re out rolling for bitches be advised! And PS the cranberries outside Plymouth are bunk. I got brutal diarrhea from em.”
CC12: So whose to blame the Native Americans, or the White man for your species being targeted for Oblivion??
Terry: Dude, did you go to journalism school or something? Stop with the hyperbole OK? So damned dramatic. But in answer to your question yes, it was the Red man, not Whitey, who caused this. In fact, my brother Trevor told me an awesome story. He said one time he snuck into an Indian camp at 2:30am looking for some scraps from their feast…you gotta keep in mind these bozos were so ripped by 2:30 your dumb ass coulda rolled in there in that stupid looking helmet and they would of called you a “voice from the spirit world”
CC12: But the network gave me this…
Terry: Shut up Nipple Dick. Anyhow, he sneaks into this village and he’s standing next to this TeePee when a domestic dispute breaks out between a couple inside. It goes along these lines:
Breaks with the Wind: I don’t understand why you’re being such a bitch about this!! We just have to go over there for a few hours and pretend we like them. We’ll sit down, drink their mead…which is fucking awesome FYI…and then we’ll get the hell out! No Problem! Hell I do the same thing every time we go to your mothers place!”
Farts like a man: First of all, you’re an asshole!! You’d go to Shit’s like an Elephant’s bed if she had free Mead for you. Second, I just heard from Walrus Thighs that an agreement was reached to raid their village and burn it to the ground next week! So why the hell are we taking our best Buffalo meat over to these fucking frauds when you’re just gonna scalp the bastards next Thursday!?
Breaks with the Wind: That is not fair. Shit’s like an Elephant has huge cans. And every time I come back from the hunt she wears that deer skin that shows everything! What the hell am I supposed to do!? Not look!? Anyhow, yes it’s true we’ll be trashing their village next week, but they have representatives in from other, distant villages, and if we play nice and show them we aren’t a barbaric, warlike people, maybe they’ll leave us alone!
Farts like a man: You are a pig. You know that?? Fine I’ll go to this stupid party. I’ll go and I’ll drink all this mead you speak of. Hell maybe I’ll get wasted and sneak around back with that tall George Roberts dude. I heard from Lays with a toad that these men have huge members. Like snakes! But I’ll tell you this: I’m not wasting one ounce of this meat on them. If you wanna go all Pot Luck and show up with food then fine. Go out tomorrow and get us one of those fat ass Turkeys. I’ll cook that rotten shit up and we’ll feed it to em and they’ll be none the wiser that it’s dried out forest vermin. In fact, once the sleeping sickness kicks in after the meal you guys should just waste em right then and there.
Breaks with the Wind: Farts like a man, you are wise. This is a good plan. You touch the white man’s snake and I’ll tear your tits off and eat them, but the Turkey idea is very…
Farts like a man: Oh shut up. Don’t think I don’t know about you and the Annie lady from the next village over. She shows up with some herbs and a bible and you suddenly become spiritual!? Like you needed to spend 3 hours “praying” with her inside their Chapel. Ur a dog. And I hope she caught the same thing you gave me becausde that shit burns like…
CC12: That is an amazing story Terry. So are you telling me people eat Turkey today because the Indians didn’t want to spare any of their finest meats??
Terry: Absolutely. My brother’s 38 years old. He’s seen it all go down. Sadly though you white people are so stupid you seem to think bigger means better, and so he’ll probably get popped this year due to his size. Haven’t any of you idiots ever eaten Lobster? Don’t you know the biggest ones are usually old and tough? If I was you I’d have four different 5 pound Turkeys rather than one 20 pounder. The big ones taste like Urine. And only 2 legs for 15 people? Idiots. I’d shank a motherfucker over a good turkey leg. You had the one at Soldier Field? That thing is the best God damned thing I ever…
CC12: …Fascinating. What about the rest of the meal? The stuffing? Cranberries? Sweet Potatoes? How did those come to be such tradition?
Terry: You’re like the bimbo side line reporter who asks the coach, “Coach can you win this game if you keep turning the ball over?” you know that? Every question so obvious…
CC12: Terry that’s not fair. My producer wrote these out for me…
Terry: Figures. She probably blew her way out of the Toledo affiliate right into that office at your station…Bitch…Ok OK Ok. Here’s the deal: All the sides on Thanksgiving are garbage. Stuffing? Simple. The women in the village always keep a scrap pile of old bread, fruits and vegetables to feed to the hogs. However once the plan was hatched to take all this food over to these walking dead, they figured, “fuck it” and just stuffed all the old crap inside the birds. Figured it’d be a good way to fatten up the enemy ya know? And Cranberries? C’mon man!! When have you ever heard of anyone wanting a hit of fruit straight to the face while eating meat. “Hey Larry, pass me the Cherries. I think I’ll have one in between bites of my Filet Mignon…” FACT: Farts like a man was walking towards the feast when she spotted a bunch of cranberry bushes. She stops on the way, knowing these little bastards give you the shits like crazy, and loads up on them. Then when she arrives at the dinner, she smiles to the white women and says, “These make great side for Turkey!” And of course since all the white women are being forced to be nice to the Indian women by their husbands, they graciously except the cranberries and put them on the table. Even though in the kitchen you gotta know they’re going, “Stupid savages. Nobody wants cranberries with their meat. Oh well. Put em down by the men. I’m not eating that trash. It’ll probably give em the shits too. Bastards. They deserve it.”
CC12: You have a rather dark perspective on things Terry…
Terry: Well wouldn’t you!? Since the White man’s arrived my entire species has taken an utter beating! All because some greedy Indian bitch didn’t wanna part with her Buffalo meat. Which FYI is tough as shit! Oh and Sweet potatoes?? Those were the rotten ones the women in the village couldn’t use, so they sprinkled a ton of sugar and cinnamon on em and whipped em up with some food coloring and BOOM!! A star is born…
CC12: I love sweet potatoes!
Terry: You would. Fairy. Do the men in the military know your wearing that helmet? I’ll bet they’d whip your ass if they found out you were flying thru time drunk on Canadian Whiskey and wearing their Helmet.
CC12: But the Network gave…
Terry: Yeah yeah yeah, the Network gave it to you. I heard. Ok I’ve had enough of you. And for the record you stink like booze. Take a shower dude. Here’s the bottom line: You people in the future are getting completely duped. Thanksgiving food is total shit the Red man brought to offer to an enemy people in hopes that they’d get sick and be weak for future battle. Do yourself a favor. Call up the REAL COLONEL, pick up a 30 piece…all dark meat…obviously…and get some mashed potatoes and gravy and some mac and cheese to go along with it. You’ll feel better, you won’t pass out, my species will thank you for it, and most importantly: You’ll save yourself some hard straining on the old can later that night!! Har Har!!
CC12: Brilliant. Terry this has been a delight. Your insight into this topic has been invaluable. I dare say you may change the face of history with this compelling tale, and I, Colonel CC12, am proud to have been the first to break such epic…
Terry: Save it dude. Every Turkey knows this tale. Indians too. You’re just too arrogant to speak to Indians and your the first White man drunk enough to try speaking with a live Turkey. Way to go, Tom Brokaw.
THE END.
There you have it!!! Broken here on the GREENSUGAR web site!! The true story behind Thanksgiving!!! Hope you all have an amazing time with your families this week, and remember: Somewhere out there in the deep woods there’s a Turkey and an Indian dude roasting a fatty and thinking…Stupid white people…now pass that joint Turkey!! It’s Cold in this loin cloth!!
Much Love,
GS-
Terry. In all his glory…