Mean Gene The Canteen

Mean Gene was, well, a canteen. Born in 1962 from scrap metal remnants of WW2, he slogged through the cold War and most of the grunge generation before suddenly falling into the arms of the brothers Sugar…and so our story truly begins…

Along the great roadways of the Southern United States Gene established himself as a terror, wielding his deadly blend of the finest Canadian distilled. He provided vigor and strength to the brothers as they fought their way South and into the depths of the Pirate city of Austin, and upon returning home he showed no worse for the wear save a small wound upon his cream colored helm…Sadly this would prove to be his downfall. For when Gene was called upon once again to lead these brave men into battle, it was discovered that this minor flesh would had festered and become a full blown Leak! In addition, it appeared the area around the leak had turned and rotted, and a great black ooze had suddenly appeared along the Canteen’s lip.

Faithfully though, Gene donned his armor and ingested a great amount of Canadian blend, and as he had so many times before, he took to the road to provide the elixir of life for his lords Sugar. And fight he did!! He gave courage to the men as they rode valiantly towards the enemy, and upon reaching the battlefield he spit into the eye of the burning Sun and provided the perfect dose of power as his masters triumphed upon the waters of the Ozarks. In fact even after battle he strode the docks of the enemy shore smiting down any last remaining resistance until finally, as the smoke cleared, he bent to a knee and scarcely whispered to the Sugar…

“Great Lords, it has been the honor of my life to provide for you in your times of need. I have fought everywhere from the Alamo to the Ozarks, and four times I have forded the mighty Mississippi while in your service. I have survived injury and plague, and even abandonment as we may not care to discuss…such a cruel jape to leave me to the local children beside the pool…but ALAS!! I cannot go on!! My helm is shattered and this great sickness that grows inside my belly could potentially harm the Sugar and so with your permission, I would like to retire to the great wall of Loomis and live out my days amongst the other warrior treasures which have assisted you in your journey towards greatness.”

And so the brothers smoked. And after much deliberation it was Brother Patrick who looked down upon the little warrior and said with a heavy heart, “This canteen is fucked. The G-d Damn lid is busted and shit leaks everywhere! It’s spilling the fucking Whiskey all over the van and there’s a ring of black shit around the lip that is totally disgusting. I say we throw it off the fucking roof!”

And so went the tale of MEAN GENE THE CANTEEN…